Hello everyone, Its Dr Caroline Lloyd. Welcome back to the EMDR doctor podcast.
Today I am back talking all by myself, which actually feels a little lonely after last weeks interview, I really enjoyed having Sharon on the poddie to chat about her experience with EMDR at Cabrini, so I think I will be doing a few more of those interviews for you - a few people have reached out to let me know that they want more of that too, less of the teaching and more of the inspiration so to speak! But for today you are stuck with me solo again, so sorry about that!
I have had a little bit of feedback from last weeks interview, and I do have to say, that everyone experiences EMDR differently. One persons results can be very different from another persons results - we all experience our life, our family, our trauma a little differently from the next person, so whilst we all hope and work for the results like Sharon experienced, sometimes the road can be a little bit rocky. Sharon worked really hard for her results, other people can work just as hard and experience smaller or incremental improvement, everyone is different. There are so many factors that come in to play, and each person has a different road to travel.
This week I have been reflecting on how EMDR changes relationships. And really not by working on the relationship itself, so to speak, we are not doing couples therapy, but of course relationships are comprised of individuals and it is all about what we bring to the table that makes it what it is. And life is so about relationships, our relationship with ourselves, our partners, our kids, our parents, our community, our work colleagues. So this week I have had feedback from a couple of clients in regards to their relationships with family members - one with her son, and how, now that some of the trauma is weighing less heavily on this client, she is able to be more tolerant, more calm, less heightened, less reactive to his demands, and so he is responding beautifully, with a less heightened reaction himself - he is less stressed and less anxious, so he makes less demands, less conflict in the sibling realm, less defiance, and is more able to be himself, funny, cheeky, thoughtful, whimsical, and she is enjoying that too, so they have entered in to a virtuous cycle (which is the opposite of a vicious cycle), a virtuous cycle of both sides, calmer behaviour, more fun, more closeness, therefore better tolerance, more fun, calmer behaviour, etc. Overall both are feeling better, happier, calmer, as a result of the work she has done on herself with the EMDR sessions we have done.
So that’s a lovely example of how working on ourselves, impacts those around us adnthis helps others within our circle of relationships.
If I am in a relationship that has hurt me, the hurt or the trauma or resentment may not even be visible or noticeable to the other person in the relationship - if we are feeling resentful to our mother for example, we may hide it, or ignore it, or overcompensate for it - she may well think that all is fine between us, and be blissfully unaware that the relationship is fractured, may say, well, Caroline is so busy, or lives overseas, or is caught up in her work, other people need her, and these are the reasons that she doesn’t call, or can’t make it to dinner Friday night. If I feel this distance and resentment, and it is not safe for me to withdraw from the relationship, or if I feel guilty or ashamed of my reaction to the trauma and to my mother, for example, I may overcompensate for it, I may buy big presents, or pay lots of attention or give many compliments, in order to hide my true feelings.
So if its not visible or noticeable to the other person in the relationship, why is it important? Well, for our own peace of mind and security and authenticity. If we can resolve the trauma of our past, then we can be more authentically who we are, and then have more authentic, fulfilling relationships which fulfil our needs, as well as the other persons needs. We don’t need to pretend, or conceal, or overcompensate, we can be truly more who we are.
So can EMDR harm relationships? Hm, great question. So I do know some EMDR therapists who say that when they start EMDR, they warn their clients that it can disrupt their relationships. And this is a reasonable approach, but what actually do they mean by this? If a relationship has aspects of abuse, or is one sided, or unfair, or discriminates against one person, then as that person becomes more stable, more self aware, more confident in themselves, this can alter the balance of their relationship. Say for example if people pleasing, which is trauma response, is very present in a relationship, and I work with women a lot so I am going to speak more to the woman’s experience in this dynamic, and I am going to use a very stereotypical, heterosexual couple in their example so excuse me for this. So if I have a client we will call her Cassandra, (I don’t have any clients called Cassandra btw) who has had significant childhood trauma, and uses the strategy of people pleasing to keep herself safe, so does everything her partner Fred wants or requires, to her detriment, say for a small example, Fred likes to fish, Cassandra hates the water, and every holiday they take, it is to the beach so Fred can go fishing. Cassandra never complains or protests because it will upset Fred, and this is too hard for Cassandra, if he gets cross she feels like she will die, that he will abandon her and she will be alone and defenceless. If we work on Cassandra’s trauma history, and we start to change some of those core beliefs about herself, and she is no longer so afraid of being alone or abandoned, or someone being cross with her, and she starts to believe that her needs are important, then she is more able to stand up for herself and her needs, and is more likely to put forward her need for a good holiday. She may start to complain, or question the decision making process, or insist upon a holiday that benefits her, and if Fred is a bit unused to this, it can become difficult to keep the status quo, of all Fred’s needs being met, and few of Cassandra’s. this will likely lead to conflict of some sort, Fred will need to grow, alongside of Cassandra, and as we know, growth can be painful in some respects. Fred may well be able to grow and adjust and settle in to a more equal partnership, which would be ideal, but we can’t make someone else change, all we can do is work on ourselves, and so in a case like this, it may be that Fred needs to do some work or see a therapist himself, or for them both to see a couples therapist to renegotiate some of the basics of their relationship.
So just in case people were listening to this because they are wanting to find some assistance in relationship like a couples therapist, I will just speak briefly about this. I don’t do couples work, I am not trained in this, but I do know a few EMDR therapists who do some amazing work with couples, actually doing EMDR with the individuals but in the presence of the partner, and then swapping to the other partner for their EMDR work. It is a fascinating model of care, because, as I see it, what it does is, if there is enough trust and motivation to improve the relationship, then being part of your partners therapy, witnessing their pain and their healing, is such an intimate thing to do. It deepens the understanding and the compassion between the partners, and allows a very deep knowledge of each others deepest fears and longings and hurts. And witnessing this, understanding this, can only bring two people closer together and resolve misunderstandings and increase tolerance and love. I may have to bring on to the podcast a couples therapist to chat about how this woks as it is pretty fascinating to me too and Im sure a few of my listeners would love to hear more about it.
So I think I will call it a day today, I hav covered a couple of ways that EMDR can impact relationships, in both positive and negative ways. There is obviously a lot more to explore here but I will have a think about how I can bring a couples EMDr therapist on to give you a bit more info in the future.
I hope thats been helpful, I will talk to you again next week, in the meantime, take good care, bye for now.
