Hello and welcome back to the EMDR doctor podcast. I’m Dr Caroline Lloyd.
Today, I want to talk about anger. Even saying that feels a little strange.
There's something about anger, isn't there, that feels... off-limits? It’s not just that we’re uncomfortable expressing it—these days, it feels like we’re not even allowed to feel it. And if we do, especially in public, we’re often labelled. We get put in this box—“difficult,” “hysterical,” “too much.”
It’s even more pronounced for women. There's this unspoken rule that to be likeable, we must be agreeable. Smiling. Soothing. Nice. And anger doesn’t fit neatly into that box.
Some families are very open about their anger—it’s loud, visible, frequent. Others have a kind of abhorrence toward it. It’s seen as dangerous or shameful. And in those families, anger becomes something you suppress, push down, hide.
But here’s the thing—anger serves a purpose. It creates power, and it creates distance. When we’re angry, we push people away. And sometimes, that’s exactly what’s needed. If someone’s hurt you, crossed a boundary, or made you feel unsafe, anger is the internal bodyguard that steps forward and says: “Back off.”
We don’t talk about that enough. That anger can be protective. Grounding. Sometimes even wise.
And yet... we live in a world that wants us to erase all signs of that emotion. Not just in how we act—but even in how we look.
Something I’ve been thinking about lately is how our culture is erasing the signs of anger, even from our faces. And I’m talking here about women’s faces.
We’re told we need to be smooth, expressionless, ever-youthful. Botox. Fillers. Filters. We erase the lines between our eyebrows, the furrows of concern, the evidence of lived experience.
And I don’t know about you, but that feels deeply sad to me.
I have a line between my eyebrows—I call it my concentrating line. And yes, it might make me look serious, even stern, when I’m not smiling. But I’ve earned that line. It’s a record of thought, of all the books I’ve read, of all the lectures I’ve listened to, all the work I’ve done, all the stories I’ve listened to, of care, of emotion. A life lived. Why are we wanting to erase that?
It’s as though we’re being asked to obliterate our own past—to deny the emotions we’ve felt, the boundaries we’ve set, the hurt we’ve endured. Personally, I’m proud to wear the results of my life, on my face.
Anger often gets confused with bitterness. Especially in women. If we express anger, we risk being seen as resentful or ungrateful. But that’s a mistake.
Anger is not bitterness. Anger is purposeful. It’s energetic, and strong. And when channeled in a healthy way, it helps us hold boundaries. It says: “This is not okay.” “That was a violation.”
In my work with clients, I’ve seen how complicated it can be to even acknowledge anger. Especially for those who’ve experienced trauma or abuse. In fact, some of my clients want nothing to do with anger—because they associate it with their perpetrator.
If someone you loved or depended on used anger to dominate or hurt you, it makes sense that you’d push your own anger far away. You don’t want to become them. You don’t want to feel anything that reminds you of them.
But the problem is, when we exile anger completely, we often end up silencing ourselves. We don’t speak up. We don’t defend our boundaries. We don’t advocate for our needs.
This is where EMDR can be so powerful.
EMDR—Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing—helps people safely explore and resolve difficult emotions, including anger. Often, when we target a traumatic memory in EMDR, anger is the first emotion that shows up. And that’s okay.
Because underneath the anger, there’s usually something else.
There’s a saying in therapy: “Anger is the bodyguard of sadness.”
And I see this all the time. When a client is finally able to work through their anger—maybe for things that happened years ago—what we often find underneath is grief. A deep sadness for what was lost, or never given. For being betrayed, dismissed, or hurt.
The anger shows up first to protect them from feeling that sadness too soon, or too much. But once it’s safe—once the client knows they’re not alone, not overwhelmed, not back in the trauma—the anger steps aside. And the sadness too can resolve, the healing can begin.
Healthy anger says, “What happened to me was not okay.”
It says, “I deserve safety, respect, and care.”
If we don’t allow any anger, we run the risk of tolerating injustice again. Of staying silent. Of turning against ourselves rather than setting boundaries with others.
So part of healing is recognising and reclaiming anger—not to use it as a weapon, but to let it guide us.
Of course, anger out of control is damaging. If you’ve experienced family violence, you know how terrifying anger can be when it’s unchecked. But that doesn’t mean anger itself is wrong—it means it needs to be understood, regulated, and ultimately, healed. I need to emphasise here, that there is a difference between emotions and behaviours. The anger is the emotion, aggression is a behaviour. We can always choose what we do, how we behave. We can choose to express our anger, little bit, a lot, not at all, in healthy or unhealthy ways, in ways that damage or protect. If it doesn’t feel that you have a choice in how you express anger, then that might be a sign that a bit of therapy is a good idea, to get some distance between the feeling and the behaviour.
Even people who express excessive anger as violence—who’ve become “perpetrators” of violence or abuse—very often have unprocessed hurt underneath. In my view, anger almost always comes from a place of pain. So while we can understand the origin of it, and hold compassion for people who have anger, or hurt, we can also, in the same moment, know that there is always a choice of how to behave, and condemn violence of any sort.
And EMDR helps us go there, gently. Safely. So we’re not ruled by anger. We’re guided by it.
If this conversation has stirred something in you, I want you to know this: You’re not wrong for being angry. You’re not broken. You’re human.
Your anger makes sense.
It might be the part of you that tried to keep you safe. The part that said “Enough.” The part that protected your younger self when no one else did.
And when you’re ready, through therapy—through EMDR—you can give that part what it needs. You can let it rest. You can let it feel safe again. You can reconnect with the sadness, and then, with something even deeper than that—yourself.
Thank you for being here today. I know anger isn’t always easy to talk about, but it deserves our attention. If you’re feeling curious, or if this episode resonates with your own story, you can find more resources at www.emdrdoctor.com.au.
And maybe today, you’ll pause for a moment and place your hand on your heart, and ask gently: “What is my anger trying to protect?”
There’s wisdom there.
Until next time, take good care. Bye for now.
🎙️ Podcast Show Notes
Episode Title:
Anger: The Bodyguard of Sadness – How EMDR Helps Us Heal
Episode Summary:
In today’s episode, I’m diving into a complex and often misunderstood emotion: anger.
We explore why anger is so off-limits in our culture—especially for women—and how it often masks deeper emotions like grief and betrayal. I share reflections on the societal pressure to erase emotional expression from our faces, how anger functions as protection, and the powerful way EMDR therapy helps uncover and heal what lies beneath.
If you’ve ever struggled with your own anger—whether you suppress it, fear it, or feel overwhelmed by it—this episode is for you.
What we’ll explore:
Why anger is so socially unacceptable—particularly for women
How families shape our relationship to anger
The connection between Botox culture and emotional erasure
The protective role of anger and how it helps maintain boundaries
Why anger is often confused with bitterness
How EMDR therapy helps process anger to access the sadness underneath
Reflections from client work and lived experience
Resources & Links:
🌐 www.emdrdoctor.com.au
📝 Learn more about EMDR and trauma support
💌 Join the mailing list for future episodes and insights
Thank you for listening. If this episode resonates with you, consider sharing it with someone who might need to hear it—and don’t forget to leave a review or subscribe for future episodes. Your healing matters.
