Hello, welcome back to the EMDR Doctor podcast. I'm Dr. Caroline Lloyd, and welcome to episode 40.
This weeks podcast topic is inspired by a facebook post I saw this week, asking for resources or advice about how to help someone you love, after they have had an EMDR session. Great question!! I always give some advice to my clients about post-session care, but this question was specifically about how to help others. And it is such a lovely and heartwarming and generous question to ask.
So I am imagining what has brought this question on - a partner or sibling or child comes home after an EMDR session, drained, exhausted, a bit emotional, not really able to put in words the experience they have just had, maybe not wanting to talk about it, or able to, or maybe on the other hand really keen to spill all the beans, but none of it quite makes sense to you as an observer. Even if you really want to understand what has happened, it might be quite difficult to actually get a sense of what's happened, because the work can be very deep and also very broad, it may not make a lot of sense to those who haven't done EMDR before as it is so different from regular talk therapy.
So first of all I'd say, come towards them gently. Give them space when they come in the door, approach them with love and patience. Be aware that they have just had a pretty intense experience.
They may really want and need to talk, or they may really not. Everyone is different. If they say no, not now, then respect that - they will be ready to talk about it when they are ready. If they do, then just offer non-judgemental support, just offer the listening ear so to speak. They don't need advice, they don't need you to solve anything, they just need to let it out. Some people make sense of things by talking it out, others need to make sense of it privately before having a conversation about it.
Offer physical touch, but please don't be offended if it is declined. Many people will really love a big gentle warm hug, just holding, just steady and warm, but if they are doing EMDR on something that involved physical injury of any sort, they may really just need to keep their body to themselves. Any touch may feel a bit intrusive, so verbally offer "Would you like a hug? Can I offer you a hug? or Would you like to sit with me on the couch in front of the TV?"
Bring a cup of tea. They may not even know that they need to have a sit and a rest and a warm drink.
Thinking can feel very hard or impossible - even about small things like what is for dinner. If you can, take over the household for the night, make the dinner or order the takeaway, just order their favourites, check with them that it sounds like a reasonable meal, and just take responsibility for that piece of the household management load.
This is not the time to be making big decisions - don't push for decisions even about nice things like holidays, especially don't push for decisions like 'shall we invite your mother to Christmas' - that is going to be a mistake!!
Limit stimulation - many people after EMDR will feel the need for quiet and peaceful environment. Keep the noise low, maybe offer to take the kids out if they are being noisy, don't be doing inside handy person jobs like drilling. Just try and keep the environment steady and calm and quiet.
Allow rest. Even if they seem OK the minute they walk in, they will still need to rest. It might hit them half an hour later, that pure exhaustion. Hopefully in your household you can put off anything that involves exertion or decisions. Just for probably 24 hours, sometimes 48 hours if it has been an intense session, dealing with big traumas or very early traumas.
If they can't go to work the next day, if they need a mental health day, just support and accept. Especially early in the process, when the biggest shifts are happening (usually), people may need a day off the next day and if that is possible, then gently support this, and avoid shaming or minimising the experience. Now is absolutely NOT the time to say 'chin up, worse things happen at sea!' Instead, try 'You've been doing some really deep trauma work, you need to rest, even if I don't know exactly what you've been through, I'm here for you, I love you, I'll take care of things for now, we can chat a bit later if you feel like it, just take the time you need'
Sometimes it is really helpful to offer to pick them up from their EMDR appointment. It might be comforting for them to know they don't have to drive, don't have to make decisions, be in charge of the car, or be in the presence of other people on public transport.
If they need to cry, just let them. Be there, don't talk much, just offer hugs and warm presence, don't try and fix the problem, because the problem is likely that they just have an excess of emotion, they just need to let it out, nothing needs to 'be done' about that, the tears just need to flow. So sit with them, hold them if they want that, have the tissues there, pat them gently if they like that, and gently just verbalise supportive things like 'That's the way, I'm here for you, doing well, just let it out' or something similar.
On the other hand, they may really need to be alone, they might want a big nap, or just to have a bath, or go for a walk either alone or with you, or listen to music, or put on the favourite comfort binge show on netflix. They may want to do some journalling to make sense of the experience further, or do some art to express their feelings in a creative way.
Very occasionally, post session, someone may need to take medication to settle down. If there is a high level of distress, then the session may have been incomplete, or it has triggered another memory, and the distress may be really high. Try some distraction, playing a card game, watching netflix, doing grounding exercises, if these things don't work, then the next step would be to organise a dose of medication - if they have valium or a sedative or something similar on hand, then it is OK to take one of those. If you are not sure, then call the therapist, or the GP and have a chat about that.
Sometimes after EMDR, people can have some weird dreams, or even nightmares. This doesn't mean that the EMDR hasn't worked, it just means that the brain is doing some more processing of the bad memories. They usually settle down after a night or two, but if not, then suggest chatting to the therapist about it. If your loved one is having a nightmare in the middle of the night and you wake up, then turn a dim bedside light on, and let them wake in their own time - try not to wake them from a nightmare as it can make it worse for them, they will remember it more, and also they may clock you one as they wake up, as they won't be aware that it is you, they will think that you are part of the nightmare. It is not personal! They are just not aware of where they are, so just keep a bit of distance. If they are half awake then gently call their name, speak in a low calm voice, keeping a distance, and then if they recognise you then offer the hug or the hand on the shoulder or whatever feels good for them. You can tell them 'You are safe now, its over, that was a nightmare, its over now, I'm here' or whatever feels supportive and natural for you to say.
I hope that's helpful, I hope that gives you some options about how to care for someone after an EMDR session.
I will talk to you next week, until then, take good care, bye for now.
