Ep 43 - Dramatic, triangular EMDR
[00:00:00] Hello everyone. Welcome to episode 44 of the EMDR Doctor podcast, and today we are getting a little bit personal.
Just recently, I have been reminded, professionally, about the Drama triangle. This is a concept about how we view ourselves and our roles in life, and how often, in various situations, we can become polarised in to a rigid and unhelpful roles within relationships with others. This was created by David Kaufman in around 1968, so it is an oldie but a goodie. If you imagine a triangle with three pointy ends, one being the victim, one the perpetrator, and one the rescuer.
Now I have to say that at various times in my life I have been kind of sidelined in to each of these corners, I have played out these roles within the drama triangle with other humans, being ‘cast as’ the victim, the perpetrator, and the rescuer. If you can imagine, the victim is always at the receiving end of bad stuff, abuse, financial scams, bad weather, loss and devastation. The perpetrator is the one who instigates these bad things, who is at fault, who subjugates or abuses others, who initiates the break up, who delivers punishment, and the rescuer is fairly self explanatory, the one who swoops in to save the day, who others look to to fix everything, who always has an answer, is the problem solver. These roles are fluid and changeable - we can swap from one to the other within seconds, or play one role steadfastly within one relationship, and another role within another relationship. They are not fixed unless we make them fixed, but we always have choice over whether we play the role or not.
Now as an EMDR therapist, we have powerful tools to help people, we help people solve their difficulties a lot, there is a great deal of satisfaction in helping. But the temptation here is, to become the rescuer. The saviour. Which can be both heady and rewarding, and also a heavy responsibility. And the underlying difficulty here is, that if we play the rescuer, then our client will be tempted to take on one of the other roles, and it is a slippery road for them to become the victim. Of course we have to know there, that terrible things may well have happened to them, but this doesn’t make them a victim, however if we become the rescuer, then we may inadvertently push them in to a victim mode and this is actually robbing them of their power and agency. So that is something that I particularly need to watch out for, that I am not inadvertently making victims of my clients, not by being perpetrator, but by being, with all the intended kindness in the world, being their rescuer. So just in case this isn’t difficult enough, if I make them in to the victim, by being the rescuer, then am unable to continue to rescue, then things will have to shift and the danger is that I then become the perpetrator. That in removing my benevolent rescue, that person then feels abandoned, and I will quickly shift in to a more ‘mean and nasty’ role, and become the bad guy. Not a role I enjoy!
In some romantic relationships, if one person is very wedded to staying a victim, and if another is cast as the rescuer and decides to not rescue any more, they may then be forced in to a perpetrator role by the victim. Say for example if the person with the victim role then repartners with another rescuer, then it is very tempting for them to cast the ex as the perpetrator, rather than as a tired rescuer. Which can be very hurtful and confusing to everyone involved.
If this dynamic is at play in a family and the parent is stuck in the victim role, that will make the kids into either the rescuers ( where they become very parentified, too much responsibility for kids to take on the care, either emotional or physical care of a parent). Or if they decline that role, and decide not to caretake their victim-parent, then that parent may demonise the child, and make them in to the perpetrator. Which is very tough on them, and will likely lead to a big rift and alienation of the kids from the parent.
So a number of possibilities exist here - you could have one parent as a perpetrator, one as a rescuer an the child as the victim, or one parent the victim, one the rescuer, and they force the child in to the perpetrator role. Then you get the black sheep of the family. Maybe teenage rebellion, drug use , All very destructive.
And I have to say here, that all these roles, the victim, the perpetrator and the rescuer, are all ultimately disempowering and limiting to all the people involved.
So what’s the alternative? There is another form of the triangle which is the Empowerment dynamic, which has the options of coach, creator and challenger - all much more creative, positive and empowering options.
And EMDR? I hear you ask?! How does this fit with EMDR therapy… what a great question :) Well firstly, the dynamics in the room, which is the responsibility of the therapist. Then in the memories or targets that we process, very often if we look at them we will find some of the elements of the Drama triangle - I may process a memory of a nasty breakup for example. If there is helplessness around being abandoned, the negative belief may be something like I’m powerless, I’m helpless, which may fit with the victim mode in this triangle, and processing the memory, working through it using EMDR may lead to resolution of all the distress, and the end positive cognition, the positive belief may be ‘I have choices now, I survived’ which takes me firmly away from the victim mode and in to a more free, more empowered creator mode.
Or maybe I am processing a situation where I am continuing to look after and rescue my ex, so I am in rescuer mode, and my ex continues to inhabit the victim mode, and if we process that situation using EMDR, processing the guilt and over responsibility of that situation, I may end up shedding that guilt, and being able to lose the rescuer role and maybe become more of a coach role, so my beliefs will change from ‘I have to be responsible for them’ to ‘I am responsible for my life, they are responsible for theirs’ which may change that dynamic to a healthier version where everyone is more empowered.
So this is one lens through which to look at relationships and situations, it can be really helpful and empowering to just ask yourself the questions around what role are you playing in this Drama Triangle, what beliefs do I have around the other people in my life and how is this playing out for me and for them, and looking at more empowering ways to relate. I fyi need help with this, talk to your EMDR therapist and see where the work lies for you.
So I will just mention before I go that I have started to put my podcast up on YouTube. So if you want to [00:11:00] watch me as well as listen to me, you are welcome to head on over to YouTube and if you search in YouTube for the EMDR Doctor podcast, you will find me. Please do leave a rating or comment, or feel free to contact me by email or via my website, I love hearing your thoughts on this work and your suggestions for future podcasts. Every rating and comment helps other people find the podcast and helps spread the word about EMDR.
Alright, I hope that's been helpful. I will talk to you again next week. In the meantime, take good care. Bye for now.
