Hello everyone. Welcome to episode 45 of the EMDR Doctor podcast. I'm Dr. Caroline Lloyd, and this week I have a bit of a bee in my bonnet. I happened to watch a YouTube video today about self pity by a very popular gung-ho American manifesto. Uh, not my usual video choice, but I have been reading and thinking a little bit about pity and compassion recently.
And talking to lots of clients about it, and I thought I might have a look at what's online. So I happened to find this video and watching this fast talking self-styled guru, and he was having a go at his 1-year-old son for being addicted to self pity. Now, first up. A 1-year-old doesn't know what self pity is, let alone being addicted to it.
A 1-year-old has needs and will protest if his needs or her needs are not being met. If he or she's sad, they will cry. And for his father, one of the two people who supposedly love him most in the world to be criticizing and shaming him for, um, supposedly feeling sorry for himself is absolutely destructive and has all the elements of toxic masculinity.
And this is where we hear all of those dreadful threats. You know, you've heard them before. Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about, or you are just being a cry baby. Stop whinging. Stop crying. You're just like your mother. Or Yeah, go cry like a girl or crying is for weaklings. So I'm sure you've heard all of these before.
Australia has this kind of culture. We certainly, my generation, we grew up with that. Maybe it's changing a bit more now, but um, I'm not convinced. So the instant result of all of these statements, or taunts or verbal abuse, you might say is shame and shut down and resentment. What that child learns is that sadness is unacceptable, that they are unacceptable and shameful and that life is not fair, and that no one is there to console or help or to support that they are helpless to express their needs, to get the support, to get the understanding.
And if that child is not shown compassion, support, and understanding, then that child will have little hope at giving themselves understanding and support and compassion and maybe the only way to feel good. Then maybe the only consolation left is pity. So in shaming that child for crying, that father. Is probably actually sowing the seeds for the things that they most despise.
And I'm using that word despise deliberately because I do believe that that father in shaming their child for crying, is actually acting out of a great sense of self shame, and he is actually despising his own perceived weakness. And he's taking that out on the little boy, projecting his own fear of being weak onto his child.
So if we don't experience compassion as a child when we are sad, then maybe we are more prone to develop self pity. And I do believe that the reverse is true. If we can experience enough compassion, then there is no need for self pity. And we need to reframe that concept if we are feeling bad, and you can read that as sad, low depressed.
If we're feeling bad about something that has happened to us, perhaps we can reframe that and avoid loading ourselves up with more shame. If that thing happened to someone we know, would we feel compassion for them? Probably yes. So can we extend that compassion to ourselves and show ourselves some self-compassion?
I hope so. This is what I've been talking about with my clients a lot this week. Several of my clients have gotten to the end of a session and they've done some really big work. I've been so proud of them, and at the end of the session, they're left with a little bit of sadness, which they start to shame themselves for in a very derogatory way.
They start to say, oh, I'm just feeling self pity. I'm just, you know, doing a bit of a pity party. And I've been busy reframing that as self-compassion. Very likely if your best friend went through that event, you would say to them, I'm so sorry that you experienced that. That is so sad. I, I feel so awful. I imagine that really felt awful for you to be in that position.
And then the person that we are saying that to. Yeah, that person's able to experience our compassion for them. They can allow it to nurture and bolster them and come out the other side feeling cared for and loved, not shamed and fearful, and full of injustice and helplessness. And I think that those two things are really kind of at the center of all of that shame that sort of goes along with self-pity.
It's the helplessness and the injustice and the, the sense of powerlessness. So if we can extend that compassion to our best friend, then maybe we can do it to ourselves as well. So if you find yourself in a state of self pity and shaming yourself because of it beating yourself up and trying to push away those feelings of pity of helplessness and injustice, then I invite you to turn that around by extending some good, healthy self-compassion.
And validate and nurture and encourage yourself. And you'll very possibly find much as when we go through the trauma memories within the EMDR session. If we face into that trauma memory and we work with it, we allow it to be there. We give it space, we give it air, we give it recognition. We very often find that by the end of the session it just disappears.
And you may find ex extending that self-compassion to yourself. That those feelings of sadness, despair, and helplessness once acknowledged, respected, and allowed to be there, felt and moved through with compassion will resolve. And the you that comes out the other side is stronger, resilient, hopeful, and.
Activated, the powerlessness of the self-pity is gone. It's healed by the self-compassion and it's replaced by a sense of agency. This is what I find to be true within my EMDR sessions. So the invitation is there to try that for yourself at home or within an EMDR session. Let my words be with you and extend that self-compassion to yourself.
All right. I hope that's helpful. I will talk to you again next week. Until then, take good care. Bye for now.
