Hello everyone. Welcome to episode 48 of the EMDR Doctor podcast.
Today I thought I would chat about a really useful tool I have just learned about. A couple of weeks ago I attended an ongoing education talk run by our wonderful EMDRAA, which is our peak body for EMDR. We had a full day of lectures and it was great to hear about some new research and some new ideas, and this in particular is one that I found really helpful, and I have been talking about it with some of my clients.
At Cabrini, the Women's Mental Health unit where I work in Elsternwick, in Melbourne, we have many women who have been traumatised by men. Sad. But a fact of life - most of women's trauma is perpetrated by men. And one of the big topics we talk about often, is violence against women.
Now I have to say here, that I work mainly with women, occasionally in my private practice I work with men, and certainly, men can be subjected to violence too, but it really is the minority. The vast majority of victim survivors of family or Intimate partner violence are women. The terrible facts are that in Australia, one woman dies from intimate partner violence every 9 days. Women are more likely to experience violence from a partner if they are pregnant, young, disabled, aboriginal or torres straight islander, LGBTIQ, migrant or refugee women, or if they have previously experienced violence form a partner, they are more likely to experience it in the future. Terrible facts. And in my practice, I work hard to help women understand the cycle of violence and how they can recognise the early signs, and try and increase their sense of autonomy and self esteem so they can leave a violent relationship before it becomes impossible.
And this tool that I am about to tell you about is really helpful in understanding the process and progress of violence.
So many people have already heard about the cycle of violence, but not everyone! so I will start there.
The cycle of violence describes what happens within the relationship. It makes a lot of sense to the who have been through it and it can be really helpful to see it spelled out. So if you are listening to this podcast, just imagine a circle with arrows going between four spots in the circle. at the top of the circle we have the explosion. This is pretty self explanatory, this is when the man loses control, the temper explodes, there is shouting, name calling, insults, punching, throwing, pushing, holding the woman against the wall, strangling/throttling etc. This is the obvious part, and sometimes police get called, the woman goes to hospital if she's lucky, the woman is very scared and frightened, the kids are petrified.
Then everything often settles down. The following day, there is the next part of the cycle, the regret and remorse part. The man is filled with regret, he apologises, this is where we get "i'm so sorry, it will never happen again, i can't believe i did that, i was just under so much stress, you made me do it because i love you so much, please don't leave me"
This is followed by a make up phase, or a honey moon phase, with some flowers, chocolates, presents, he might wash the dishes or do some housework, everything is roses, he is proving himself to be the man of your dreams. "We will be together forever, i'll make you so happy, no one else can love you as much as i do" This feels very nice, and validates the woman's decision to stay - see, here is the man i fell in love with, he's a good man truly.
Then at some stage, a bit later, things shift. There is an increase in tension, things might be difficult at work or money might be tight. He gets edgy, irritable, she gets nervous. This is the walking on eggshells phase. She thinks she knows what is coming, but rationalises it - he's been so good recently, its just that I did that thing, id better be careful, not put a foot wrong, make the kids behave perfectly, keep things just right, people pleasing for her life. This phase can feel excruciating, walking on eggshells, lots of tension, just waiting for what she knows or dreads to come next. For some women this phase is the worst, the buildup of tension can be excruciating, there is no escaping the coming violence.
And then we get the explosion again. The rage, the violence, the injuries. And that's followed by the regret and remorse phase, I'm so sorry, the honeymoon phase, No one loves you like I do, the walking on eggshells buildup of tension phase and back to the explosion.
Now this cycle can happen slowly, with an explosion once a year, maybe at christmas time which is high stress time for families often, or very rapidly, with going through the cycle every day, or even worse multiple times a day.
When I tell women about this cycle, if they've lived it, they relate to it really thoroughly, they are often really relieved, because they can see the pattern and how it played out in their relationship and then it becomes not their fault, more understandable, and if they can understand it through this framework, then they can take that knowledge in to the next relationship, recognise the warning signs and hopefully prevent it from happening again.
So the new information that I learned a few weeks ago, was presented by a really clever psychologist Ann Carrington, who talks about her model, the vortex of violence.
So with the vortex, if you imagine, instead of a simple circle, you have a whirlwind or tornado kind of diagram. The cycle of violence happens again and again, like a tornado, sucks everything in to it.
And as it spins, it spins off the good things, and sucks in the bad things.
So what the vortex of violence spins off is things like: hope, health, finances, savings, a woman can lose her car, her teeth, her health, her security, her peace of mind, her family, her friends, her job, confidence, energy, trust, her dreams, her choices, maybe even her children.
And what the woman is left with, what is at the centre of the vortex, is fear, entrapment, helplessness, powerlessness, hurt, poverty, and she ends up a shell of her self and less able to get out and be independent and free of violence again.
So if this is feeling very close to home for you, please reach out, to your GP, to 1800 RESPECT, or 13YARN for indigenous people, the kids helpline, or WIRE (the women's information and referral exchange) or if you are in an emergency situation please do call 000.
And why am I talking about it as an EMDR practitioner. Well firstly, all therapists should be educated about this, know what the cycle of violence, and the vortex of violence is and be able to talk to their clients about it. We can help with supporting through an exit from the relationship, or recovery afterwards. Some EMDR therapists work with men to reduce their anger and work on their trauma to help to break that violent approach to relationships. And EMDR in particular, can help with the recovery in terms of regaining those things that are lost, the things that are spun off in the vortex, and help rebuild the sense of self and capacity and confidence that is lost to the violence. And we might do that, like any trauma work, in taking the fear and grief and anger and sadness out of those difficult memories, and helping build up the positive, the adaptive beliefs of "i'm safe, I'm loveable, I'm strong, I have a right to protection." and this can help to future proof women so that they feel more able to protect themselves and get out of any violent relationship and live a life of peace and calm.
I'd love to hear if any of this has resonated for you, or if you have found this helpful, please feel free to comment below if you are watching on Youtube, or send me an email at admin @therapynest.com.au if you would like more resources, or if you would like me to cover a particular topic on this podcast.
I am also about to open up some spots in my week for consultation for EMDR therapists, so if you happen to be an EMDR therapist and you are looking for consultation, perhaps shoot me an email and we can figure out a time to suit.
Alright, I hope that's been helpful. I will talk to you again next week. In the meantime, take good care. Bye for now.
Shownotes:
Police 000
helplines:
1800 RESPECT
Kids helpline 1800 55 1800
Men's Referral Service 1300 766 491
WIRE (Women's Information and Referral Exchange) 1300134130
13YARN 13 92 76
