Hi everyone. Welcome back to the EMDR Doctor Podcast. Now, I have been called many things in my time, some of them more complimentary than others, but something that I have been called often is a strong independent woman. Now, on the surface, this sounds really great, but what if it isn't? Ever since I was a little girl, I've prided myself on my independence.
I've been very happy working things out by myself, which I definitely still do nowadays. I love a good YouTube video on how to fix an ailing lemon tree, and uh, I know that we all love a little bit of DIY. I would often rather do something myself rather than ask for help. And this applies to the little things as well as the big things in life.
I have a reputation for being able to move any size piece of furniture with the aid of leavers and dollies.
I have moved house a couple of times by myself because it felt embarrassing or inconvenient to ask for anyone to help me. But I started to think about this a few years ago when a good friend told me that I was actually really difficult to help. And that really struck a chord with me, and I realized that not letting people help me meant that I was actually pushing them away.
My hyper independence was actually creating a barrier between me and a really good friendship. And since then I've realized that people. Often do want to help that they like me get a sense of pride and satisfaction from giving help and me not allowing that was actually depriving them of something really valuable, as well as depriving myself from that help that I could have received.
So what stops us from accepting help and why is it important for us to be able to accept help? Independence in our society is really a prized thing. We are not encouraged to depend on others on a societal level. We glamorize the lone wolf. We, we don't live in villages anymore. We raise our children in the environment of families, but less in kind of the broader community.
And our society is much more around the value of the individual rather than. As a member of community, but the hyper independence I'm talking about is more of a trauma response. It's not the societal norm whilst independence is desirable.
Past a certain point, it actually prevents people from accessing the, the help that they need. And it creates distance between that person and others. And it can cause really a crushing sense of loneliness. It contributes to burnout. It may hamper a career. Getting a reputation as being someone who doesn't work well with others, not a team player, so to speak, may well get in the way of promotions or, or moving forward in your career.
So hyper independence is a defense mechanism. It involves an excessive self-imposed need for self-reliance, and it's driven by past experiences of neglect or betrayal or abuse where relying on other people has led to pain or disappointment. It's a protective shield against getting hurt. If I don't ask for anything, then I won't get disappointed if it's not given or if it's given and then used as a weapon against me, or if I'm shamed for asking for help or shamed for being weak in needing help.
Hyper independence is an unwavering insistence on autonomy or an unwillingness or an inability to depend on others. It's an intense discomfort when asking for or allowing others to help even if we are in dire need. So a few different scenarios can cause hyper independence. Maybe during childhood there was a lot of loss.
Maybe parents or grandparents died or left the child through divorce or through illness. Maybe the child was fostered out or stayed with grandparents while parents were, say for example, battling with addiction. Maybe there was constant betrayal. Maybe dad never showed up to take the kids to the basketball like he promised or forgot the birthdays or spent all his time with his new family.
So all of this can tra create a mistrust in people and an unwillingness to accept or an anticipate or look forward to being helped by that person and that transfers into later life. So maybe it's about being parentified. Maybe the child had to look after the parent. Maybe this taught the child that nobody is there for them and they can't rely on others.
There's no help to be had. They are the person in charge. That child is the person in charge. The child is the person who's responsible for providing the help. These kind of traumatic events lead to some core beliefs of things like everybody leaves me. I can't rely on people to be there. I'm not lovable.
I don't matter to anyone. I can't trust people to be there for me. I can't trust people to help me, and this leads to the only person I can rely on is myself. I can only trust myself if I want something done. I have to be the one to do it myself. So the trauma might be more subtle. So sometimes small T traumas are more aligned with neglect rather than big traumatic events.
So imagine this scenario. A child grows up in a family where there is a shaming or a scornful response to requests for help. Can't you just do that? You're a weakling. What an idiot. Do it yourself or a too frequent. You are in the way. Get out of the kitchen. I'm too busy. So these are micro traumas or small tea traumas, um, traumas of relational injury.
So maybe it's about coming home to an empty house every afternoon, having to do everything from the washing to the cooking all by yourself. Or maybe a parent had a very transactional approach to helping. Okay, I'll do this laundry for you this time, but you owe me one. You need to mow the lawns this weekend or something even worse.
So that transactional nature of, if I do your favor, you'll owe me a big favor. And that can cause a core belief of I have to pay a price. If I get help, it's not worth asking for help. The consequences will be sometimes terrible. So. How does this manifest in children? How does this show up in children in the classroom?
A hyper independent child will likely be a quiet favorite of the teacher. Well, Tommy is such a pleasure to have in the classroom. He's so independent. He has such a mature approach to everything, so it can actually be reinforced a lot as it is easy for the adults around that child. Because that hyper independence takes a load off the adult who's involved.
So this kind of response gives little Tommy a great sense of achievement and pride in being independent. And that then gives them the reward and that cements that approach of not asking for assistance. So if you hear this particular sentence said often about a child. Oh, Tommy is 13 going on 30. That may indicate hyper independence, masquerading as maturity above what is normal and expected.
If your motto is, if you want something done, do it yourself, or I don't need anyone, or I'm an island, this may well apply to you. So hyper independence is definitely a survival tactic. It can protect from a worse trauma or a hurt or a betrayal. But here is the downside. It can be terribly, terribly lonely living on an island.
It can push people away. Friendships can be very difficult or just superficial. It can get in the way of trusting close relationships and partnerships. So what do we do about it? As a trauma therapist, I always start with the trauma. Once we can take the hurt out of those difficult memories, then it becomes much easier, both with the Big T trauma and that small T relational trauma.
So after we've worked on the trauma, then it becomes much easier or actually even possible to work on the behaviors that entrench, that loneliness. Once we can learn to trust others, then relationships naturally become deeper and more fulfilling and reciprocal. We can ask for and receive help, love and companionship, and we can also give more freely that help love and companionship.
It becomes more mutual once we resolve the trauma that's getting in the way. Healing will bring all the rewards, including a softening of that need for isolation and independence, and an increasing ability to be close, to be trusting, and to be just a little bit dependent on others. And aside from the trauma work, or once we've done the trauma work, we can work on the defenses like that of hyper independence by targeting that defense or compulsion directly within an EMDR session.
So if we do that, we might find that the session goes to all of those small T traumas that have contributed to that defense, and once we've processed those, that defense is no longer needed. So if we are no longer carrying that pain, then we no longer need to protect ourselves from it, then we no longer have to carry the armor.
We can go through life unencumbered by that particular heaviness. An EMDR can be a great way to heal those wounds, lose the defenses, and start to explore the richness of allowing yourself to lean on another person. Allow someone else to contribute to your life and your happiness and your stability. We are not islands.
We all deserve to experience that joy of loving and relying on someone's safe. Let me know if this has resonated for you. If you've had that hyper independence tendency or if you've found a way out of it, feel free to leave a comment or to email me. I love to hear from my listeners, and if you would like to rate or review the podcast, please do so.
