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Ep 81 - Rejection Proof - How EMDR takes the sting out of "No"
âHello, and welcome to episode 81 of the EMDR Doctor Podcast. I am Dr Caroline Lloyd
Iâve recently been immersed in this cute little book Rejection Proof - How to beat fear and become invincible, by the author Jian Jiang.
Itâs a very easy read, and basically follows Jia Jiangâs journey as he tries to cure his fear of Rejection. For him, growing up in China, then moving to the US, created a perfect storm of fear of rejection, leading to people pleasing, underachievement, lack of confidence, avoidance and failing to go after and accomplish his desire to become an entrepreneur. So at a point of transition (about to become a father) he gives himself a huge challenge, to do one big scary thing in public every day for 100 days, posts about it online, and becomes famous and possibly quite rich in the process.
This is a beautiful example of self imposed Behaviour therapy - doing the thing that scares you most, in order to extinguish the fear that accompanies it. You could even call it exposure therapy. And it works! He is a pretty motivated subject, with a tight timeframe, a lot of pressure with a baby on the way, lots of support and his early success is fuelled by the social media attention and support he achieves along the way. Beautiful work.
But he did find it excruciating.
and here is where EMDR comes n. I found myself case conceptualising as I read his story - I hope he doesnât mind if I share a bit of his story, but it is well and truly in the public domain so I do think it is OK if I talk about him on my podcast - very likely he would enjoy a bit of extra publicity, if he ever hears about my little podcast! I originally heard about his book via another business podcast I listen to, so I am pretty sure he doesnât mind a bit more publicity. But please be aware that he is not my client, and everything that I am suggesting is simply hypothetical, based on his self disclosure in the book.
From an EMDR perspective, we could conceptualise his case along the lines of - severe social anxiety leading to people pleasing, resulting in further avoidance, being a perpetuating factor in the vicious cycle of fear and avoidance. Original traumas or contributing or predisposing factors being possibly his Chinese culture of conformity, obedience, shame based learning and discipline, familial pressures of conformity to traditional success, disapproval of his ingenuity and entreprenerialism, other perpetuating factors being his success in the traditional commerce space, which disincentivised him to explore entrepreneurism in his adult years before his experiment.
His book outlines a couple of early incidents in primary school with being overlooked and measuring his success and self worth by his achievements and an ongoing Shame based schema which played out as hearing a ânoâ (in relation to putting forward a proposal or idea) and interpreting that âNoâ to mean âI am bad, I am useless, I have no place hereâ.
And just on another little side note, as I work with many neurodivergent people, I would hold in the back of my mind the possibility of his fear of rejection being possibly rejection sensitivity dysphoria: thinking about ADHD, especially as he does seem to have a lively and creative mind, with perhaps some impulsivity and a lovely sense of positivity and ability to embrace difference. Just a thought to hold lightly! Iâm definitely not trying to diagnose him from afar, just a thought that crossed my mind. And even if this is a part of a case conceptualisation, we may still address the rejection sensitivity in a similar way.
From an EMDR treatment perspective, we might start with some positive resourcing reflecting on and strengthening his awareness of his significant achievements and abilities, his strong social connections, his humour and curiosity. Also we would find some evidence of his not being rejected - there seems to be a fair bit of this - his friendships and wife, his success in his corporate world, his boldness in moving countries at a young age and fitting in successfully. We would strengthen that knowledge of himself as successful and acceptable as a person, just for being himself, not just for his achievements.
Then for the Phase 4 EMDR targets,
We would look at some targets from his early childhood, perhaps of punishment or lack of recognition or rejection, maybe trying to find the earliest of his rejection memories - from his book, it would seem that these are what we might call small t traumas, interpersonal moments of not getting what he needed, small moments of rejection or shaming or failure.
We may need to do some present day targets of his disappointment in himself at staying so long in the corporate world, and then very likely, some flash forwards targets, of trying something and hearing ânoâ, taking the sting out of those expected rejections, taking the fear out, and shifting the learning from these experiences to being something along the lines of âI am good and worthy person, even when others donât want my offeringsâ.
Which is kind of where he ended up, learning from the exposure therapy of his own behavioural experiments, finding out that people say no for all sorts of reasons, that are simply not to do with him, and how to stay calm and composed and with a high sense of self worth even in the face of a ânoâ.
This is what we do every day, in our therapy rooms, helping people get over their fears of lots of things, helping them to change their early learnings about themselves from their childhoods that didnât quite deliver what they needed.
But of course our work is not quite so entertaining as Jia Jiang book and Ted talk and social media journey! Which is a delightful and inspiring read, highly recommend if you feel like reading a quirky, fun filled self help/autobiography.
And if you are filled with dread at the thought of rejection, then perhaps consider how EMDR might help you, in a more gentle and easier way than publicly doing crazy whacky things and risking humiliation on purpose!
And so I really hope it's been helpful for you. If you have been watching on youtube please drop a comment below, if you have a comment about rejection or if you have tried your own exposure therapy for something you feared, please feel free to share it in the comments! I love to hear comments from my listeners and please feel free to reach out. And if you have a subject that you would like me to talk about or something you're curious about, or maybe I've said something that's a bit confusing, please feel free to reach out, and I would love to address your questions in my next podcast.
All right. I hope this has been helpful. Take good care. I will speak to you next week. Bye for now.
âWhat doesnât kill us, makes us strongerâ Frederick Nietzke
